Redundant - to me such a strange word. When you look up the meaning or definition it says, "no longer needed, superfluous, unnecessary, not required, dispensable, expendable, useless, etc."
I've heard it used more in England (in movies and books) referring to retirement... and it makes me sad. I never thought of retirement in that light. In fact, I always looked forward to the freedom retirement would afford... and does.
But lately its come more to my attention that as time goes on, we are redundant in the sense that women as they age after having spent so many years caring for their children and spouses - can suddenly have that role disappear. Children grow up and away, husbands may no longer be in the picture (due to death or divorce) and then, who are they? With any careers they may have had gone with time and age, with children off living their own lives, and husbands no longer by their side - they have to refind their focus.
It is a matter that needs addressing. How does one do this?
My children are all married with families of their own - living their own lives as they should. Luckily for me, my spouse is still by my side. But so many of my friends or acquaintances have lost theirs... and are continuing on their own. Those that have children may have grandchildren - and that involves one change of focus.
Being a grandparent is a new role... a wonderful heart filled complicated role that I'm more than happy to take on. Not having known my own grandparents, I find this a fascinating journey where there's more pure enjoyment and less responsibility than parenthood held. But at the same time, it does expand your 'worry quota'. Yes, parents still worry about their kids, whether they're 5 or 50... and now you worry about grandchildren too.
But there has to be more, right? You could argue that your grown children still 'need' you. Yes, to some extent... but it's more as emotional support... perhaps more for stability and unconditional love than anything else. This is good of course, but physically one has to accept the fact that they are grown, independent people that can do just fine without you. And that is how it should be. It's something to be proud of.
Yet...
it leaves an aching hole somewhere inside. A hole that must be filled with perhaps - a new focus? We need to look inside ourselves and try to remember who and what we were before we took on the role of wife and mother. Or perhaps we are no longer that person at all, perhaps we need to find out exactly who we are now.
Think about it. Now we have the time to think about it. Health and finances may be an issue, but refocusing our lives and figuring out what brings us joy at this stage is important.
Do you think about these things? I would imagine that anyone who has reached a certain age has. If so, how do you deal with it? Sharing your ideas may help someone - and helping others (IMO) is an important part of this stage of life.
Thanks for listening... or reading... or just being there
Hugs,
Rian
With tom being ill and the prospect of maybe being on my own in the future I'm trying to get myself ready for that time by thinking of how this and that will be without him. I went through the empty nest syndrome when all three children left but this will be different.
ReplyDeleteYou sound like me working things out in your head, lol
Life isn't easy is it?
Briony
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In general, Briony, I think I'm a calm laid back person. But sometimes (especially in the middle of the night) all these thoughts surface...
DeleteA couple of things came to mind as I read your post (and it definitely made me think). I spent years working toward the goal of retirement -this included encouraging my children to become self-sufficient (still a work in progress for my daughter and to a lesser degree my son), arranging my finances so I could retire, and even considering where I might want to live. All of that energy wasn't wasted but I really didn't think about my continued value in this world.
ReplyDeleteI don't consider myself redundant, but must admit these first 5 months of retirement have been pretty much focused on myself and doing what I enjoy (and trying to sell this damned house). But I know that at some point I'll want to focus my energies beyond my family and my home and I truly believe I have lots to offer. As do the majority of seniors - we are most often the heart of volunteer organizations and hold a wealth of experience and knowledge to pass on to others.
Have a wonderful day!
I retired in 2011 and so far have enjoyed my time immensely. My focus has been not to necessarily be great at any of my pursuits (and they are many), but definitely to be better tomorrow than I was yesterday. I'm not an extremely social person, but my friends (both in the real world and in the blogging world) mean a lot to me. This sharing of experiences and ideas is a continued learning experience.
DeleteI like that last quote, never too late to become better. I retired 10 years ago and two years ago my husband died suddenly. Heart break and shock occurred and now I am learning to be a single lady which is new to me after our 45 years of marriage. At our church we formed a group we call Widow Friends which is a nice upbeat group.
ReplyDeleteTerra, I can't imagine how that must feel... after 45 years. DH and I have been together for 51 and the thought of either of us going on alone is just beyond me. I would think that your church group which is made up of people in the same boat would be supportive. I know several of the bloggers here are widows and they seem to have found their new identity and moved on... not without difficulty I'm sure.
DeleteMy plans for retirement were changed when my husband died in 2013 but at the same time I have always had interests of my own and a wonderful group of friends. I have never felt redundant. Just keep finding ways to make the world a better or more beautiful place.
ReplyDeleteHaving interests of your own is one of the best solutions, Olga... at least in my book... and also having family/friends to support you. I also think that doing things that makes you feel like you're giving back or doing some good (even if it's a small thing) keeps our sense of being of value alive.
DeleteI'm not a parent and not retired, so "redundant" isn't a word that has occurred to me with respect to women. I'm 55 and still need my mom (don't we always?), fear having to live without her--she's the one person I know I can count on in life. However, what I see with her is that it's sometimes hard to redefine yourself when your lifelong role has been that of a caretaker, and that role comes to an end. In Mom's case, first caretaker to husband #1, then me, then husband #2. I wish she had immersed herself in volunteer and other activities, but she hasn't.
ReplyDeleteI think it's important to find something that gives you a sense of value, of fulfillment, something that makes you feel productive, that you're still contributing in whatever way appeals to you.
And that's not being "redundant," IMO. :-)
Yes, mom's play an important role, Kim, that unconditional support is huge. But from her side, IMO, she knows you would miss her, but also that you would be fine without her. I'm sure she has her interests even if its not volunteering.
DeleteAnd I didn't mean to infer that women are redundant... only that the 'feeling of redundancy' can come upon us after our children are grown, jobs gone, and sometimes partners too... unless we find that focus that gives us that productive and contributing edge.
I also awake in the middle of the night and consider weighty thoughts such as these. I retired in 2008 and have been living each day to the fullest. I especially cherish my friends, both hiking and walking, and my blogging buddies. I also read a lot and have my sister in Florida to talk with every other week. It would be awful to lose my husband, but for the moment we are both happy and (hopefully) healthy together. Life does change quickly sometimes, but I feel I would adapt. I might even one day take up a potter's wheel and clay. You sure do a good job with it. :-)
ReplyDeleteAgain... maybe that middle of the night thing is age related. So much to think about.
DeleteIMO DJan, you have done a great job of managing your retirement. You have hobbies, interests, and friends to share your time with. You are lucky (like myself) in that you still have your spouse to share life with also. As for taking up the potter's wheel, I'm sure your would be great at that too!
Still sorting out my passion, Ryan. The adventure doesn't end.
ReplyDeleteNo, it certainly doesn't have to. And you are a great example of this. Your interests and talents continue. I love my towels (so soft and wash so well). They hang on my Aga every day and remind me of you. And for such a small lady, you are definitely one of the strongest women I've come across... having gone through so many physical and emotional trials. You could never feel redundant.
DeleteI think grown children only appear to not need their parents. There are few people who have lost their parents who don't still wish they were there as a backup and support system to be counted upon. I know I do.
ReplyDeleteOf course we still wish our parents were there for backup and support - that unconditional love - we all need that. I know that when both my parents were gone as well as my siblings, I felt orphaned (even though I was an adult and married). But I don't believe it's the same as the need when we were children. As a mother now, I know my children needed me more then than they do now.
DeleteWell, speaking as a man ... I'd rather be redundant than dead!
ReplyDeleteOh... I agree, Tom... even from a woman's point of view. I'd rather be redundant than dead. My point (if there was one) was that women (and I have to work from that perspective - and from my own generation) IMO will have to face this 'change in life' that we seldom think about during our child raising years. What do we do after that phase of our life is gone? I'm sure men go through somewhat of the same thing. And I'd love to hear more about that. Personally I don't think anyone is ever redundant - but they may think or feel like they are... and that was probably my point... preparing to redefine our focus.
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