This is a serious post. I don't often do serious and may not even publish this. But it's preying on my mind and writing it down is the only way I know of getting it out of my head. We are at the age now (in our mid 70's) where losing friends and relatives is becoming a more common occurrence.
DH and I have already lost our parents. I've lost both my siblings. And now we're beginning to lose friends. I lost a dear friend several years ago (I still miss our talks and weekly get-togethers). And DH lost a good friend and work associate last year.
Now another dear friend is in the process of losing her husband. She and I talk late at night and she is doing her best to handle the situation, but I feel so helpless. How does one come to grips with things like this? I mean, apparently we do. We have to. Life goes on (but it can never be the same).
They say 'Time' is the answer. Give it time. Huh? How much time does it take? And how much time do we have?
When I think about it, dying isn't as scary for those who die (although that's extremely subjective and an individual case prospective) as it is for those left behind (IMO).
I try to talk to my kids about this on occasion. Trying to let them realize that their parents' eventual death is a certainty. And they know this of course, but don't want to talk about it. Maybe they're right. What good is it to talk about something that hasn't happened yet? They will deal with it when the time comes.
I think that part of what worries me with this new death approaching, is that as awful as it is for him, I'm afraid that his passing will be too much for her and I will lose her also... if not now, then in the near future. And I don't want this to happen. Selfish, I know.
Now I also know many women and men who have lost their spouses. They carry on. It isn't easy, but they apparently find a way. So I know it's do-able. Guess it coming so close to home (and yet not home thank goodness) is getting to me...
As I said before, I don't like to talk about things that are too personal, and don't expose my feelings about a lot to many, but I know that the few of you that read my posts are close to the same age and are probably experiencing the same things. How do you deal with it? Or is it just a matter of 'accepting it and moving on' - not easy to do.
And something else... I think as I age, I'm becoming more sensitive, more sentimental, more compassionate... and although I'm aware that this isn't a bad thing, it makes one 'tear up' way too easily (I mean I was taught 'stiff upper lip and all that'...).
Well, I've decided to post this... probably TMI as they say these days. But at least I wrote it down and got it out of my system.
Thanks for being there...
Hugs (virtual),
Rian
We are "of an age," Rian, and we are having to deal with the dubious effects of growing older. Things wear out, people we love leave us behind, but we do get over it, or at least used to it. I lost a dear friend back in May, and I still miss our conversations and find it hard to believe she's gone. But these days, when I think of my mother, for one, I only remember the good times and realize the bad stuff just evaporated from my memories. She died in 1993, which seems like yesterday but is long gone. I cherish my online friends and am hoping we will all continue to be in each other's lives for a long time to come. But we really don't have any control over any of it. Finding equanimity in today's world takes real effort in any event. I try to concentrate on the present moment and let tomorrow take its time getting here. Thanks for your post; I'm glad you published it.
ReplyDeleteDJan, your last sentences resonated with me. I have been trying to concentrate on the present moment or day and leave tomorrow for tomorrow. I'm not terribly religious, but when I pray about something, I usually feel the answer is to 'let it go' or 'let go and let God'...
DeleteThank you for posting this.
ReplyDeletePeople talk about time being a healer. I am not so sure. True grief I believe stays with us, shapes us, changes us. We (mostly) learn to live with it, but it isn't easy and some days it bites just as hard as it ever did.
As for the 'right thing' to say? I don't think there is one. Except that trite platitudes are not the answer.
Hugs.
EC, I agree that there is no 'right thing' to say. There are absolutely 'no words'...
DeleteI don't think this is too personal. I think about death a lot and have since I was 32. I remember why and when I started--after the loss of someone I knew who was only a few years older than I (not someone I was close to, but someone I saw fairly regularly in a work context).
ReplyDeleteI don't have any words of comfort or have any insight, but I will write that I don't think time has any blessed thing to do with it. I'm so very sorry for your friend and her husband, and hope that they both find a measure of peace about this process, and I hope and pray she will be able to carry on with the support of other family and good friends like you.
I'm also keeping you in my thoughts as you deal with your own grief. Hugs.
I guess I wasn't looking for insight (don't know what I was looking for when I posted this)... but she isn't alone, does have 3 sons and their families - and I think she is strong (probably stronger than me).
DeleteI've never been married so can't relate to the loss of a spouse. I suspect your friend's is grieving the impending loss already - she's lucky to have a good friend she can talk with and I'm sure she is grateful for your willingness to be there for her.
ReplyDeleteMy mom had everything planned before she died, as it related to her funeral and burial. (Dad just left instructions that read "same as Betty's".) Her preparations helped to a certain degree, and I've ensured my adult children know what my wishes would be. But I don't think we can ever entirely prepare for what will come after the funeral is over and everyone goes home. Again, your friendship will likely be a wonderful support for her then.
Take care, stay well.
Thanks for your comment, Mae. And I think 'preparing for the impending loss' keeps her very busy. It is the 'after' that I worry about...
DeleteOne of my good friends lost her husband last month. I've sent her a short text message each day. The last sentence was what she requested: "Thinking of you." It always feels like an honor for me to walk beside someone during times like this, even if it's just virtually.
ReplyDeleteFrom February until June of this year my husband was confined to a wheelchair, in pain from six pinched nerves in his back. I did everything - my household responsibilities and his (on the good side of that, I relearned how to cook after 25 years). I was his medical advocate. I did what needed to be done without an expectation that he would ever be any better. In June he had back surgery and he is now walking around and recovering. I'm grateful for that.
In May another friend's husband died suddenly. I got a call asking me to take a meal over. I was the first meal delivery person. She saw me coming and said, "Can you come in?" I sat with her for an hour, listening. The only time I opened my mouth was when she said, "I hope heaven is nice." And I, disbelieving in heaven except for the good we do on this earth, said, "I am sure heaven is nice." I'm learning that silent listening is powerful for the grieving.
I'm so glad that your husband has done so well. Back pain is awful and debilitating as I know many who are suffering with it... (getting their nerves fried or injections - always trying to avoid surgery for as long as they can).
DeleteAnd I agree that 'silent listening' is something that I can do. She has told me that just being able to talk it out to me is a help. I hope so.
My mom thought she had it planned down to the last t and i, including No notice in newspaper! And that was the one we ignored, and her funeral guests would have embarrassed her. On a snowy, muddy March day so many cars proceeded to the cemetery for the last farewell, the police escort had to block the freeway entrances. Which is a short way of saying your kids will figure out how to celebrate your life.
ReplyDeleteI guess this may be true. But I wouldn't want people gathering together during a pandemic to celebrate my life... and possibly put theirs in danger. A quiet get together of family at home would be appropriate - in my eyes.
DeleteWhile grief is a universal experience, it is a deeply felt emotion & unique to each of us. Sending some hugs.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Debbie. Hugs are my favorite!
DeleteI found out my mother (age 57) had terminal cancer and only had 3 more months to live when I was 28 years old and 3 months pregnant. She made it long enough to hold my daughter in her arms only once. I lost that photo but I have my memories. My dad died in 2004 and then it was just us three kids. I have an older brother and a younger sister. My brother just recently died from covid. His death has been a great loss. I had no idea what the impact would be. Now, it's just my sister and myself. I'll be 71 soon. She's 68. I worry constantly that my sister will die and I'll be all alone. Not an easy life, is it?
ReplyDeleteYour story is similar to my sister's... she died of cancer at 51 and her daughter was pregnant with her first child. My sister got to see the baby only once before she passed. My brother died a few years later (also of Cancer). I'm so sorry about your brother. We've had several relatives in Louisiana go into the hospital with Covid, but despite almost losing them, thankfully they survived. You and your sister take care of each other...
DeleteI have asked my mom this question. All of her favorite actors have passed as have all of her favorite musicians. Many of her friends have passed and then my dad last year (they divorced over 40 years ago). I asked her how she has dealt with all of that loss. Many of my favorite actors and musicians are passing. Our friends are getting older and the newest topic among us is hip replacements.
ReplyDeleteMy mom's answer is this: you are just sadder each time it happens and you have to learn to live around that. Time doesn't take away the pain. Time doesn't fill that void that is there when someone else is gone. Time lets you learn to live around the loss.
Your mom's answer is a good one. You 'live around the loss'...
DeleteHey Rian. At my age, 79, I think about death and dying more now too, especially when I wake up during the night and can't go back to sleep. That's a terrible thing to think about during the night. During the day I'm fine, try to be happy and not think about it. My sister and I plan to live to be 100...that's what we tell each other anyway.
ReplyDeleteHenny, things that pop into your mind during the night always seem worse in those late or early hours. I try not to think about health or finances if I can help it during those times... but sometimes my mind is persistent. I sincerely hope you and your sister live to be 100 and stay in good health!
DeleteI could have written this post! I have been having the exact same thoughts. My husband is my social life line and I will be happily (being an introvert) and unhappily alone.
ReplyDeleteGuess it comes with age, Tabor. I tell myself to accept and move on. Sometimes it works.
DeleteI'm thinking as I read your post today Rian, and could have written this very same post.
ReplyDeleteAs the years pass, especially if there are health issues, it is a constant thought, and how to handle life as you get older and more vunerable, especially in today's chaotic world.
I'm gratefully to still be "kickin" there are many who are not, let's live each day as it comes, and enjoy what's left of our days. I'm hoping your friend has gentler days ahead.
Hugs,
~Jo
Thanks for reading, Jo. I hope you and yours are on the mend. And yes, whatever comes, hopefully we can handle it. These chaotic times puts everyone on edge. I just wish we could all put on a kinder and more unified front.
DeleteI am so sorry you are facing death yet again. It does occur with greater frequency as we age unfortunately.
ReplyDeleteI was a late born child and my parents have been gone for a long time (I am just 60). I only have 1 aunt and 1 uncle living out of 20. I've already buried a brother and BIL as well as work colleagues and just Saturday my husband lost his 3rd Aunt.
When Dad died Mom said "We've talked about this. We always knew that one of us had to go first and that's just the way it is. The one remaining must live on." Dad died 13y before Mom.
I hope you can find some joyful moments in his remaining days that sustain you through the loss.
Thanks, Elle. My cousins and I are the older generation now. It seems strange... but that's life.
DeleteThis post is so appropriate to our day today. As you know Tom has a terminal illness IPF. today we had to make an end of life plan for him with the Respiratory nurse. I can't begin to tell you how harrowing this was for us both. I am thinking of doing a post but wonder if people will get sick and tired of me mentioning his illness.
ReplyDeleteWe have decided to have a home death when the time comes. A Hospice would have been our first choice but if another lockdown occurs we will not be able to be with him, either in a Hospice or hospital so we have no choice.
We do not know quite how long Tom has, it could be weeks or months depending if he can keep free from infections but we know it is coming as he is getting weaker all the time.
Luckily one of our children is a nurse and is going to help when the time comes.
It may sound as though I'm in control but inside I am a mess.
Thank you for reading this.
Briony
x
Hugs.
DeleteBriony, do your post... but only if it helps share your pain. I agree with the home death... hospitals (especially now) are so... cold. But my friend whose husband is going through this now has hospice coming to her home. Could you not do this? You will need help. Your child (nurse) will be a big help, but you may need more. I can understand that 'inside you are a mess'...
DeleteRian, we have changed things a bit. We are opting for Hospice if there is no Lockdown or not one coming in the near future and home if not. They are sending a palliative nurse up very soon so that we can get to know the system and yes, you can get the Hospice at home service. I hope he's not going anywhere just yet Francesco the resp nurse seems to think he is okay but things can change very quickly with this disease.
DeleteWhat a good job we do not know what our futures hold Rian isn't it?
Briony, my friend's husband was only on hospice a few days. He passed yesterday. She called me. I was shocked as it was so fast. She said yes, it was fast... She seems to be OK, has her sons with her... but I don't know. Obviously, things can change quickly. I will pray for you and your husband. Virtual hugs, Rian
DeleteI'm glad you Posted this Topic, it's one I struggle with at this Season of Life too, most of my Friends are Dead now and many Family also... I have Gallow's Humor so The Grandchild I'm Raising and I often have an Addams Family Moment when she notices my Friends have dropped like Flies. Then one day she teared up and got very distraught, I asked why and she considered my Mortality I guess. Since I Raised her and she's only 16, she's Fearful I won't last a long time because, well, Math... and it hit me, that with Raising a couple of the Grands, they won't have the Parental Figure as long as most people got to experience and that totally Sucks for them. I was fortunate to have my Parents into their 70's {Dad} and 80's {Mom} and a Fav Uncle hit 90. She's fearful she'll have no-one when we Pass... since her Older Brother has Serious Mental Health Issues and she really doesn't 'know' her Parents and they couldn't be there for her anyway. It makes me want to become an Immortal, not for myself, but for them...
ReplyDeleteWe have our oldest grandson living with us also. He 21, but worries a lot about us. We're in relatively good health, but do have some issues. It's life as you age. Guess we just need to try to stay putting one foot in front of the other.
DeleteI've always believed that birth and death are the common denominators in life, no matter who you are. There is a tenacity and integrity in the human spirit that allows us to carry on. It can be a conscious decision (or unconscious) to put one foot in front of the other through trying times. I've done some bereavement support work and have seen people carry on in spite of great tragedy. When asked what allows them to carry on, the majority said they got tired of living in the angst of grief. And as the woman whose 10 of 11 children died premature deaths said, I've learned to step over it. Be kind to yourself and honor your grief.
ReplyDeleteMy dear friend's husband died this weekend. We went to Graveside Service yesterday. She seems to be doing OK... Told her that I didn't know how she was going through all this and she said, "Well... you just do, I guess."
Delete